yes yes yes. so it is saturday, and i have the evening off. of course i am spending it will joel, with whom else? anyways things are much better. make up sex always works. i think that is almost the next best thing to sex... make up sex. heh. he is cooking right now. its really cute. when he gets upset he gets white and cleans alot. and he vents when he cleans.

mm beer

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i made blue cupcakes with joel last night. we spent and hour at the store getting cake mix, cup cake holders, icing, and most of the time looking for blue dye.... wouldnt of known it was in the spice secton rather then the baking. we then went to dinner, had some fun there just talking to one another. never run out of things to talk about. we then ran thorught the pouring rain since i was the smart one and parked far away. he kissed me in the rain. we went back home and got to cooking. we pour half of the dye in the batter, the were really blue. i had joel make the icing blue too. its great having a boyfriend who can cook. lol. we watched the family guy last night!! woo hoo for family guy! and the new simpsons. but i like family guy better.

tomorrow is bob's birthday ( from work) but he was able to get the day off, and i dont work wed. so isnt it better to celebrate a birthday early rather then late? so i work with bob tonight.... that is why i was making cupcakes. but i made a little too much.... 4 dozen. lol. so i sent some home with joel... and still have tons for here at home. trouble is.. how and i going to get them to work?

*yawn* alright so its about 11.30 am and i just got up about 20 minutes ago. this is actually the best i have ever slept over here. and joey actually was able to sleep all the way through the night. usually he is always tossing or turning or sleeping really light so it is hard for him to sleep long. he slept till nine but laid with me till eleven. joey just had to run out and help tam or some other guy move something. i dont know what... so i dont think he was to happy. he is getting really annoyed with this kinda of shit. i'm watching some "do it yourself" car show. they are building some car or part of a car...i really dont know. i would prolly know if i was actually watching it. er, but im not.

i have a paper cut on my finger. and tam's computer has really bad pop-ups. mad crazy. joey stole a bottle of tabasco from ihop last night. yum. for me to keep here.

ok so i was told to come over here (joel's) because there was going to be a fucking party... but there really isnt a party, more like a large gathering  thats about it. there is me, joey (joel), tam, preston, danielle, my brother matt, and some asian guy and some guy name billy or i dont know what really. three girls just showed up and they look like they just got out of middle school. so yeah. tam who is about to be 21 is hitting on them hard, when really my brother is the only one who really only had the right to be hitting on them. any ways. im bored off my ass and i am passing time my drinking my bud light and drags every once and while from my brother, while he is trying to dance to some really really crappy rap music. my brother is fucking whiter then white so if you saw this you would be laughing you ass off. a bit earlier tam was dry humping the floor and i have never seen my brother look so uncomforable in his life. well there was that one time when his ex best friend came out of the closet... but still. i snuck and over night bag into my car and i still need to sneek it into joey's room.

they are talking a about a trip to paudre island, and "who is all going" and i guess joey, tam and preston are going and so are the little middle school girls. so i dont know if i should be worried. spring break? i dont know but fucking bad shit will prolly be going down then. but then again i dont plan on looking far enought in advance to see if him and i are even still together. im looking look a week in advance at most.

bleh. i'm on my fourth beer.

it's monday now, and i just got done with my first weekend off in six months. it was nice. though i had to work 14 days straight, it was well worth it. tiffany came in town, and i've missed her so much, when she pulled up i ran and tackled her and my boob half way fell out of my shirt, and her boyfriend randy tried to act like he didnt see it. it was funny.i got to hand out with thme for a whilie until we ventured off to joel's os they could all meet. a little worried about her meeting tam, i dont want him scaring her. so yeah. but he did fine. they then had to leave and have dinner with her family. so then joel and i went and rented a movie, and drove around. poked around town and went to condoms-to-go. then went back to the apartment and hung out, we made ramen. and watched tv. i spent the night over there. for the second time now. he talks in his sleep but you cant make out what he says. and moves alot. he says he's not used to sleeping with another person. i'm not either. i only spent the night with jeff once, and with matt a whole i dunno. two times. so yeah. i woke up to him emptying out a dresser drawer saturday morning. asked him what he was doing.. "making a drawer for you... or do you think you will need two?" i think thats when i had a panic attack. so i have a drawer now... an empty one but i have one. i met him mom saturday and his little sister. pretty girl. he has a dog named china who looks just like hannana but white. we then went and got my oil changed and listen to some lady bitch to the guys there. and then we went to go look for spark plugs for his car but couldnt find any so he got an air freshaner for his and mine but mine smells like vanilla (go fig) and his like laundry datergent. then back to him place and i helped him clean out his car, and i swear to god he could of had something growing and living in there and would of never known! and then the tried to teach me to drive a stick... i suck really bad at it. but he says i will get better. we then went grocery shopping, it was fun. we then cooked dinner and had tiff and randy over. and then all of us hopped into joels car and went and played pool at clicks while tam played poker. tiff and i were on a team and randy and joel. we beat them five times in a row, not because of our mad mad skills no, we were just so bad that we left them will horrible set up to shots. so yeah.

i had to open sunday but of course i then spent the evening with joel....and tam but mostly joel. so yeah. thats my weekend. exciting.

as of now, i have worked the last sixteen dyas in a row. i can hardly remembe what its like to have a day off. but then again, i love the over time i see on my paycheck. for the last ten days i have spent my time off the clock with joel except for two. last night i got to witness my first tangent between him and tam. tam was watching some weird ass show in the living room, and joel and i had no desire to watch it so we were going to go watch resident evil 2 in his room, but tam was like " this is almost over, it will be done at 9" it was only 8. and joel wasnt going to stay up to some ungodly hour since he had to be up at 5 am this morning. when it was all said and done, we watched the movie in joels room. tan yelled out at about 9.30 that we could move it in the living room if we wanted. jole left it up to me. no, i was comfy in my spot on the bed, i was finally warm. i guess tam decided to go to bed around 10 because at 10.30 you hear him yelling out the front door at the upstairs "do you have no respect for those who maybe sleeping?!" seems that the guys up stairs were making a bunch of noise, and for some reason the apartment smelled like weed... really cheap weed. i guess they said something that offended tam because the next thing i know he is on the  phone with the cops. about 5 minutes later you hear some one banging on the door upstairs, some feet running around, and then the "OPEN UP! IT"S THE RICHARDSON COPS!!" next thing i know they are being halled out of their apartment for possesion of narcotics. it was really funny. seems that this has been a drop off pick up place for drugs for a while now. i would have to say it was a pretty exciting evening.

i've been sucking on this sucker for the past hour or so, and it doesn't seem to be going down any. i've been able to slightly worp the shap of it, but thats about it. is it sad when your "main" squeeze's best friend calls you when he is bored. i dunno its pretty cool. but poor tam. he's lonely. he's bound and determined to meet beth, and get to know her. he doesnt even know anything about her (except that things between her and i went sour). nothing about looks or intrest. just that she is a girl in my phone and he liks the name. joel is comming over when he gets off work to finally meet mom, but she doesnt get off till 5, i really hope dad isnt here when he gets here. poor guy will get scared shitless. i'm supposed to go wtih joel and tam to look for a new tv for their apartment.but i've realized when tam gets depressed or lonely, he likes to spend money. he called me yesterday at 2 to tell me he was thinking about trading in his gaulant to get a suv. or maybe he is just looking for change. i laid when joel last night until he fell alseep. we didn't get home from the club till midnight. and what a shitty club it was.

i've been trying to get tam to admit he is gay... i swear he has got to be. but wont say. joel too. they both have to been. they talk, act, dress like they are gay. dear lord... i need new friends.

i saw what you and i looked like when we got older today. i was at walgreens picking up hair dye and you were being yourself again. you and i were the pharmacy getting pills of some sort. you were sick, and being a nusens. even when you are sick you cant but poke fun at me. but i was calm. and i wanted to take care of you. you still say "hello" the way you do. playful but trying to be polite and a show off. i've never really noticed how funny you walk before. i guess because i've never really walked behind you. you walk of the balls of your feet. so it makes your calfs bigger.  you have a bubble butt. you stick your chest out when you walk. to proud. to confident. you have every reason to be. i really dont know if you still walk like this. or if you say hi like this. or is you still act like this. i was a bitch the last time you were here. i dont think i really ever realized how luck i was to have you.

i spent evey evening this weekend with joel. more with tam (his roommate) saturday but he got home sooner or later. tam has the same cell phone as me. i have no idea how to work it. he showed me a few tricks. he helped me transfer all my phone numbers over. i sat upside-down in the recliner reading out numbers off my sheet of paper while he was spralled out on the apartment floor. every chicks name i called off, he had to stop and call them to let them know he kidnapped my phone and wanted to say "hi." he called beth. and then she called back after joel got home. he then called her back. she and steph were going to come over yesterday evening so tam says, but they never called him back. we played darts for an hours or so, and watched tam "mop the floor" while he tried to impress the neighboors cousin, but her boobs were too big and made her look like she was about to fall over. joel hurt his sholder again so i gave him a back rub for over an hour, while i drank peppermint shnops. but that tasted just like thick mouth wash, so i drank beers instead. i was getting light headed after the fifth one so him and i went back to his room and looked through all his year books for years ago. i then met billy, their gay neighboor who just got out of the hospital, and listened to his beg to go to the club, so he left with the hug breasted cousin, and tam chugged the rest of the shnops while i watch stir of echos with joel on the couch. i left to come home around 1...

so i decided to take matt's advice (my ex) and model nude. well i think he wanted me to do porn but this can be atleast a form of art in my eyes. its taste full and i think its all beautiful.

i've also decided what my next tattoo will be... it will be in hebrew, going verticaly down my left side. on my rib cage. it will say, "i can smell you on my skin." this is in honor/rememberance or my first lover... matt.

cheesey, but what can i say. he took i gave a part of me that i wont ever get back

wow. busy time of year is almost to and end. for the past three weeks i've felt like a chicken with my head cut off. working 50-60+ hours a week. getting a new store manager, starting training for assistant store manager, and hiring new people out the wazoo will really take it out of you. today is my first day off in a little over 3 weeks. i have no idea how many doubles i pulled either. but my pay checks have been looking pretty handsome. so i'm a couple of steps closer to moving to austin. i spent the day giving my room a deep cleaning. it's been neededing it bad. pathetic, i'm rarely ever home but yet i still am able to keep it a mess. i also did about six loads of laundry too. i started applying for grants to gemini for october. so all is going well. i work new years eve and day, but i'm going to go see eisley new years eve evening. so i am super stoked about that. i am having with drawls from my car. it's been in the shop getting a tone up, new sun roof put in, and new sound system instaled. and i'm not going to be getting it back until friday. so i've been driving around a rental for the last five days.

i've been sleeping really good the last few nights. even though i still believe i need a new matress soon. this one is killing me. i had a dream about beth last night. i dont know why. i miss her. really sad i know it. no no, not sad that i miss her, just sad that i'm to the point where i have to or do miss her. i guess if i hadn't of over reacted and been so naive then things would maybe still be ok? i would like to think they would be. tiffany was in town for christmas, but i didn't get to see her since i had to work. *frown* oh well, i will get to see her soon anyways. i should be going back to austin some time in the next couple of weeks to get things squard away with school next year! woo hoo! i can't wait.

i found a couple of my old journals last night. and sat down and red them, most of them. i found alot of the stuff i wrote when i was with matt. its silly, the pages were filled with him. reading them you can actually tell how giddy i was to be with him. then stuff about jeff. started out happy, like i was in love with him. but then upset. it started in febuary, the never seeing him. i feel the same way now with him as i did back then. we do i like the feeling? i have to like it if i keep wanting him around. the longing. i haven't see him since friday. been a week. i haven't really talking to him. it really breaks my heart. but i caught myself writing back in the journal. my hand writing has changed alot since then. not as clean. and doesn't flow very well. no point on having lovely hand writing anymore when  i am the only one who looks at it. so here it goes. i'm going to put in an old entry back in feb, and then last nights:

February 8, 2004

is it so wrong of me to be upset, disappointed that i'm getting to spend less and less time with him? i'm tired of him asking what i want, and never doing what he wants. i feel like i'm gorcing him to stay in this, if it isn't even what he wants. if he wants to know what i want so bad, i anted him to spend the day with me. not worrying about when he would leave to go spend time with his friends. i didn't want him to spend the whole day sleeping for eleven hours. for once, i want him to do what i do. plan his day around me. making me the priority.

December 12, 2004

i't bee a while since i've writen here. and really things haven't changed all that much. the last few days are just like the last few months i had wtih jeff the first time. i swear t hurts even more tthis time compared to the last. [text deleted for personal reasons]

he says it's like we switched roles. he used to never have time for me. he would never return my calls. for a week there i was busy. working. now he has given up. i call. he doesn't answer. i try and try to spend time with him. he doesn't have any, atleast none for me. i want to al him and talk to him about it. but, it wouldn't do. he wont answer. he will make an excuse to not see or talk to me. i hae to be up at sever for the doctors. done by 11ish. i'm afraid more than anything.

i really wish he could be there. hold my hand through it all. my hads will be bare.

i just want to learn how to do thing right when it comes to him.

smile, you will be my shield / you'll be the only thing anyone ever sees / kill, crush me, break my will / cease the endless rats inside the walls / that squeak and scratch away / and keep me awake / this is my vice that i will break / this is my christ in arms today / this is my golden chance / to fight the odds that never seem to change / ne'er seem to change / ne'er seem to change / today / love, don't hurt me this time be for real / or kindly let this lonely soldier be / fear, my old friend disappear / leave me to regard the world in better ways / than what is wrong and what cannot be / don't say you'll change

so, i thought that i would have an amazing time at the straylight run concert. don't get me wrong. not once did i beg for the opening bands to finish up and get the header on. they were all amazing. say anything. north star, hot rod curecit... all super. but larry was complet jerk. and told him yesterday that i never want to speak to him again. im sorry, but if i invite you to a concert, you don't ditch me and blow me off the rest of the night. that's not cool at all.

and now jeff is all upset since he read my journal, and what not. and i really don't know what to do about that. i realize i'm a hermit crab when it comes to the on-line journal. when i put something up to make some one upset or blurt something out that gets me in trouble, i make a new one. maybe i should make it to where no one reads it. maybe i should go back to the good old fasion journal. paper and a pen. i write so little anymore with paper and pen, that i'm pretty sure i've forgotten what my hand writing looks like. maybe that would be the best idea for that. just start writing everything down. but then again, i'm to lazy to. and this really helps pass time when i really have nothing else to do.

i found a super great guy name dustin. he's my age. well i am actually older than him guy three or four months. he's a skater. and designes the bottoms of skate boards. he has a tattoo on his arm of a bomb that says bomber. he just got it. for our first date he took me to the aquarium (he picked it out all on his own, i have never been). we then went and had rootbeer floats. and then watched cable guy in his room. that was last saturday. wednesday him and i went and saw the incredibles. we were the only ones in the threater since it was 10 at night. we then went and drank bottled water, i had evian. and sat on a park bench and talked an kissed. i was supposed to hang out with him yesterday after i got out of work and when he go home from work. i didn't hear from him till 11. he promised to hang out with me today when he got out of work. it's 11.30, and i haven't talked to him today.

i'm kinda upset and hurt. but i'm used to it. which is really sad i guess. it's upsetting to look back and know that today is my only day off all week and i spent it cooking chilli, and laying around all day reading, and watching tv. i would of loved to be out side and be productive, but i really don't know what to do anymore. i'm not used to being alone. it feels like it should be 4 in the morning. i hate days off.

so the last time i wrote must of been at least a couple of weeks ago. things went up hill and then quickly down. a few days before the deathcab for cutie concert, a bubbling crush on jeff's roommate thomas started to over flow. we had secret late night conversations. and giddy little text messages back and forth through out the days. i found it to be cute and daring at the same time. i loved every minute of it. the thrill of not being able to talk to one another but really being able to was a new one to me. him, jeff, sweet, and craige were at deathcab too. we had planed a way to sneak away from our friends, to meet up. of course it couldn't happen. i was wedged between people in the very front, and he was rediscovering the pleasures of being over 21 (23). sad thing is by the next day his concious caught up to him, and he realised that we had to just be friends. so things came to a very abrupt hault. since that i really don't talk to jeff anymore, or hangout with him. he has no clue of what happened.

tiff came back in town to vote (thank god bush won), so i spent the 2nd with her. went to lunch, and you know you work to much when you see your customers outside of the workplace, and they know your name, and are shocked you have a day off. *sigh* when really my last day off was the 25th. and i'm starting to have withdrawls.

eric was out all last week from being sick. out all this week bc his father is in the hospital, and maybe out even longer. there is a creepy guy from 48110 named cory who keeps hitting on me, got my number off my account. and now wont stop calling.

last night wasn't anybetter. spent 4 hours doing compas training at work, just to come home and stay glued to the tv on the "battle in falujah." i then get a lovely e-mail from chuck bishop's mom from his e-mail adress stating the he died there yesterday. so now i've been bawling my eyes out all night and day over him. missing him. being pissed off at him. and every emotion in between. i can't stop listening to madworld by gray jules off of the donnie darko soundtrack. i cursing every couple of minutes at him, and i swear he can hear me. if only he had listened to me and not joined. it's not wrong of me to hold it against him for not comming back unharmed, he promised me. he swore to me. and now he broke it.

i'm supposed to see straylight run the 16th with larry, jeff, and thomas. and matt may even be there. i really don't know if i want to go anymore after last night. jeff and thomas anre sure they are going yet, and larry will have a bunch of his friends there. i hate him and how social he is.

alright. i really need to start writing in this thing more often. it's becoming a joke. anyways. monday night i got to see taking back sunday at the gypse tea room! omg. it was amazing. i mean, hell the first bad was good and all, but the singer was crap, i think they were called the quick fix kids, or something like that. then there was matchbook romance. and they were awsome, just really wish i could of enjoyed their music with out being pushed around so much, i hit the ground like four times, and punched several times. i was all the way in the front against the bars, so i have bruses on my stomac from being pushed up against that. ah, and the girl behind me kept puling my hair, bitch. larry thought it would be a great idea to hold on to me, so i wouldn't get pushed as much, um, no. so when ever he got pushed, im smaller, so i would go straight down. i told him not to worry about me. the first time i went down completely, there were people steping on me, and kicking me, larry didn't see me go down, but his  friend brandon did, and he helped me up. so that was nice of him. we all decided to get out of their and get t-shirts for the time being. while we were looking at shirts, we kept looking at a fairly tall guy, who was wearing a sweat shirt and hat. he looked alot like mark o'connell (drumer to taking back sunday). low and behold. it was him. larry being the friendly guy he is, got us all talking to him. i got my chuck allstars low tops signed by him, and a picture or two. it was great. he felt really bad that i got trampled on, so he brought out adam lazzara (lead singer)so talk to us, didn't get a picture with him or his signature, because they were rushing to warm up since fall out boy was now on stage playing. when it came time for taking back sunday, it was amazing!! i would have to say this may have been the best show i have seen of them yet!!!

yesterday night, my csr, josh, showed up to two for the umptenth time late. so yeah, he has already had like 3 write ups for it. so i sent him home, he will prolly (actually) loose his job. oh well. i got to work with jeff again. so that was nice.

eh, and about what, 4:30 this morning, i get a call from adam. i haven't talked to adam in almost three weeks i think. i was shocked to hear from him. but we talked for an hour almost. i miss him alot. it was great to hear that he missed me too. he says he regrets letting me go. i'm curious to think where him and i would be right now if he hadn't. i'm curious as to think where things will go from here. i'm supposed to call him today. i need to. i want to.

shit, i have to go take a test.

alright. i've been busy wiht school and work the last few days. so i'll try and catch up here. um. so monday, i didn't work monday. which was a good thing. after what happened sunday, i needed a day away from any blockbuster. i spent a good six hours painting a 24" x 16" painting replicating death cab for cuties' cd cover to transatlanticism for larry since tuesday was his birthday and i wouldn't get to see him. it loved the painting. i think he got a little teary-eyed. but it was good. i then took him out for dinner for his birthday. we had a nice long talk about things. work, school, music of course! push comes to shove, i got married by the end of the evening. yeah. well. its not really legeal until i send the paper work in, or have sex with larry, which ever comes first. hm...

anways, as well him and i started this bad. well actually he started another band, with me being a vocalest, and he wants me to play some guitar, since i'm a finger picker. he wants that whole damine rice/eisely/death cab sound. whatever. i guess it would be cool. he keeps thinking of names. at first he wanted adam and eve. to religious for me personally. im not sure. he'll come up with something. till then, i'm restricted to writing some lyrics. or something. i dunno why.

we saw eisely wednesday night. it was wonderful. it's great to be able to feel someone close to you as you admire some one doing what they love so much. for some reason that didnt come out right. but still. i loved standing close to larry. him standing behind me, with his arms around my waist. we now have a tradition of getting slushies after concerts now this is the third time this has happened now.

i keep eyeing the marriage paper work. debating weither or not to send it in. i wouldn't send it in with out letting larry know. but still. i care about him. i really do. he means alot to me. always has. he makes me happy. i love being able to smile around him. he takes care of me. and i love taking care of him. makes me feel like im doing something right. i'm not sure what to do with these papers. throw them away? file them? send them off?

i snapped today. i let everything i've let bother me at work just poor out at my boss. i'm the tpye of person that just lets people walk all over. i do what people ask of me, and i hold my problems inside. for the past month or so, i cry at least once a week after work. once rachel left the store ( another manager) i believed that things would of gotten better. i got the hours i wanted (and more), but i still got the threats of loosing my job brought up. it's not right to go to work worrying about not doing something right, being afraid that if i just do that smallest thing wrong, i could loose it.  tuesday, rachel and eric ( my store manager) had a shot gun wedding. i wouldn't be surprised if they were wed by and ex employee ( who now works for corprate). she is six weeks pregnate with his kid. she just left our store two weeks ago. he assures me that they didn't start seeing each other until after she left, but how do you explain the baby? did she sperm magicly fly into her six weeks ago? i was supposed to get my transfer ( i asked for back in june, was approved july 14th) as soon as misty got out of training, since she was replacing me. that was a month ago.

he came in today, and i finally got the nerve up to ask him: "so how much longer do i have to wait to get my transfer?" he assumed that since i was getting full time hours, that i should be more than happy to stay there. no. not at all.  he got on to me for not getting all the prp (previously veiwed product) preped and ready since josh was there for 10-3 and that was all he was supposed to do. well by god, im sorry that it was busy today, and i needed him to help me out. he asked me, if i were him, what would i do in this situation? when really he wants me to say "write us up." because that would mean i would loose my job. he's been looking for reasons to get rid of me since the day he met me. his reason for not letting me have my transfer is becuase there is an "investigation" going on about me letting a customer into the store after hours. so he heard from an employee ( misty). this all happened back in august ( as you notice it is october). and what really happened is: working one eveing with misty, it had been a long evening. we were both ready to go. our last two hours of work had been dead, so we were able to start closing duities early. until about 11.30 we had a tall aftrican american guy come in to rent. he was really nice, and asked for help picking out movies. i went around with him to look for some he would like. i was able to help him pick up three. i was ringing up his movies, and he was getting ready for pay, ( by this time it was 10.50, and we close at 11). as i was following him out side the door to lock my entrance, he told me he had left his cell phone in there, so i told him to wait there, and i would give it to him, he did so, i went through my exit, grabed his phone, and went back throught the exit and handed his phone to him. he then got into his suv, and left. by this time it was 10.55ish, and we were  not yet closed, but i still locked my doors. so as you see, it wasn't after hours.

i've been with the company now for four years and a half. i've been at this store for 13 months. i've been under managment with eric for eight months. i've been in more trouble, written up more times then i have with him, than i ever have with my whole time working for the company. i'm at wits end, and i'm really not sure if i want to return to work on tuesday. i told him i wanted out of the store by the 30th. he told me that was unreasonable since it's the 10th. i told him it was bullshit since i was supposed to be gone back in july. he then told me that josh said we had been talking out side of work i told him he had my e-mail adress, and that i e-mailed him a site, and that was it. just once. he said that, that was frat. out side of the work place. i threw in his face he married someone from the work place. hince the rachel thing. when all was said and done, he told me he would call tabatha and try and get me out of the store by next week. which im sure he is going to try and fine a way for me to be fired. *frown* i don't know what to do.

bleh. just got home from work. i always leave worn out and tired, just craving my cold sheets and full pillows. no. fuck it. why is it that as soon as i get home, i catch second wind, and all my energy that i lost at eight tonight as all came back just as soon as im ready to hit the sheets. and where is all this energy. i thought i used it all up by thursday morning while i wrote my u.s. history paper.

i realized today, every time i meet a new guy that i'm into, the more and more i like girls. i hate guys. they are jerks. they use us. the fucking play mind games. and they never know what the hell they want. so why do i keep falling in to their traps? because they have dicks. they can provide me with what i want. no no, it's not just sex. but the feeling that i am protected. like i really don't have to work about getting hurt. guys are good at doing that to me. making me feel safe. i then let my guard down. i then get my heart broke. you'd think i'd learn my lesson.

anyways. i should get to bed. i really am tired. and i have work again tomorrow. and sunday. *sigh* i'm tired for working 45+ hour weeks and going to school full time. i feel like i have no life.

alrght. so it's been a few days since i've writen anything. but hey. i'm still alive shockingly. just woke up from a nap i've needed since tuesday.

took my lovely art history test yesterday. that was splended. i was the first one done. took 15 minutes. ticked off becasue of all the slides we had to memorize, we only needed to know the artist who did the peice. i memorized artist who did the peice, title of the peice, where the peice was done, the year the peice was done, and what the peice was done it. yeah. so go me. so right after class i race off to work ( i closed the night before, so i am running on NO sleep). that was a long day. i only did 86.40 on my till for a nine hour shift. and i was alone. great. and then from work i had to come get ready for chance's frat banquette. it sucked. i sat there for four hours, listening to a bunch of frat guys saying that this was the best choice they have ever made.... getting drunk and burning things. um no. i knew no one so of course i was devoted to silence all nice. great. didn't get out of there till midnight last night. then you would think i  would finally get some sleep... fuck no. had to come here. and write a damn paper for my us history class. and then i had to go to my us history class at seven in the morning. AH. so that's when i home and finally get some sleep. it's about two now. and i go back to work at five.

i really don't care anymore. i can take this all. i did it last year. but i just didn't do it alone. tiff is gone now. so are alot of people. and really, the only thing i want is some one to be there with me. i'm the loneliest i've been in a while. and all i want if for him to call me and tell me what i want to hear.  haven't really talked to him since monday. and i hate to think that i'm just a fuck.

i talked to adam today for about ten minutes for the first time in three days. he actually called me. which is nice for a change, but i could barely understand him. he had that "i just woke up" rasp to his voice. "i don't know why i am so tired." maybe it's because your body hasn't been getting enough rest. just a guess. i got to talk to him yesterday on aim, but that really doesn't count as talking, does it? i asked him what he was doing today, hopping he would get the hint that i wanted to spend some time with him. he asked if i had seen garden state, i thought that was him saying that's what we could do. no. i was wrong. it was one and he was just waking up for the day. and probably going back to bed. i hate having to come out and say "hey, i don't have to do anything tomorrow until 4.30ish, i want to see you, would you like to do something?" i like it when other people are blunt, but i hate being blunt. i expect eveyone to know what i am taking about.

though i do know one thing. i love being the bitch at work. no no, not being told what to do, or shit like that. i like tellin others what to do, and being mean about it. and it's mainly to girls. i'm harder on girls then they guys. ok. not really. josh and robert, i really can't tell them what to do. i mean, when i do tell robert to do something. he does it great he's good a following orders. but josh, he's been around so long, you really don't have to tell him what to do. every once and a while you have to give him a little push. but other then that. i know how he feels though about the company. and he feels like he is being ripped off. i would too. but misty... i hate her. er. i had no problem with her before she became a shift leader. but now... omg. she could barely do her job at that. now, she has others do what she doesn't know how to.